Cake Go Boom
by ColonelPony
Summary: Sasori's usually uneventful birthday has taken a new turn, for better or worse. Consists of explosives, chocolate, cute blondes, and dismemberment. IMPORTANT: Rated for swearing and mildly violent themes. SasoDei


**1) I don't own Naruto or any of that other shit  
**

**2) Coarse language, mostly courtesy of Hidan  
**

**3) This is yaoi/boyslove (though nothing explicit)  
**

**4) Please review. And enjoy!  
**

Cake Go Boom

BOOM!

My face hits the desk I was sitting at with a loud thump. The pain was welcomed as a distraction from the idiocy that surrounded me. Just when I had gotten a few moments of peace to work on my puppets, too.

Maybe if I just stay quiet and feign ignorance I'll be left out of it...

"DANNA~!"

Or not.

With a heavy sigh I stand and run wooden fingers through crimson locks in irritation. Why, God? Why did I have to be partnered with the most _annoying, _idiotic-

"Shit, you fucker! Kakuzu is gonna kill us!"

-alright, _second_ most annoying Akatsuki member.

I could already feel a headache creeping up on me. I had best deal with whatever mess those two morons made and get it done with as soon as possible.

During the short trip from my (shared) room to the kitchen (I could smell a mixture of smoke and chocolate coming from that general direction) my mind ran through numerous possible scenarios, all equally messy, destructive, and costly.

'Oh God have mercy... What if he blew a hole in the wall again? Or maybe that stupid zealot picked another fight, and Deidara got pissed. Dammit, Hidan is probably in pieces again! And Kakuzu won't be back from his mission until tomorrow.'

My frantic imaginings were brought to an abrupt halt once I finally reached the kitchen.

Or at least... I _think_ it was the kitchen.

My slightly wide eyes took in the sight with increasing trepidation, the only thought going through my head at the moment being, 'How in the **fuck **is something like this even possible?'

The, er, "walls" of the kitchen were almost completely coated in what appeared to be a mixture of flour, egg yolk, and... good God, was that blood?

Shrapnel and ash (aka, what used to be the small kitchen appliances) were scattered about the floor haphazardly. Said floor (which was once a shining, clean yellow tile) was blackened with soot, spotted with random drops of dried blood, and sticky with... God knows what. Probably the chocolate I'd smelled earlier.

In the middle of it all, there was Deidara, covered in stains similar to those throughout the rest of the kitchen, the decapitated head of Hidan cradled in his arms.

I blinked, slowly, wishing this was just a nightmare that I would soon wake up from. Of course, that fantasy was ruined when the messy blond finally spoke, somewhat sheepishly.

"Erm... Hi, Danna."

Patience, patience, patience, patience, _patience, patience, __**patience**_. Deep breath. Open eyes.

"Brat..." I growled out through clenched teeth.

He stared at me blankly.

"Un?"

..._7, 8, 9, 10..._ Another deep breath.

"What in the hell did you do." I demanded, glaring at the artist sternly.

He simply grinned brightly, apparently oblivious to my increasingly short fuse.

"Baked you a cake, un!"

"Dammit, Deidara, don't you ever- Wait, what?"

I was thoroughly dumbfounded and at a loss for words.

He took that as an invitation to continue. "Well, I mean, I was _trying _to bake you a bake... but then **Hidan**-" He held out the man's head in emphasis, though it seemed to be unconscious at the moment. "-started pestering me and shit about how bored he was, and so I told him to help me bake a chocolate cake. But then he started doing that creepy Jashin ritual shit and kept trying to convince me that the stupid cake would taste better with _blood _in it, un." Here, he breaks off to shudder at the thought. "So then, I told him that if he didn't shut up and stop being a freak I was going to dismember him and cook his head in the oven. He did, but only for like, two minutes."

Deidara paused for a breath and looked at me expectantly. I simply nod for him to continue.

He places Hidan's head on the counter next to him and sighs, as if in defeat and resignation.

"He started asking me bizarre things- personal things- so I kinda got pissed and, uh, chopped his head off with a butcher knife. It's his own damn fault for not believing me, un."

Now it is my turn to stare at him expectantly, a thin red brow raised in question.

"Okay... that's all fine and dandy, but I really don't give a shit what you do with Hidan's dismembered body parts. Tell me what happened to the kitchen."

The blond has the good sense to look away, rubbing the back of his head in shameful embarrassment.

"I've never actually baked a cake before, un."

I blink.

"Deidara, that by no means explains this disastrous mess."

He looks around the room briefly, before suddenly finding the ground very interesting.

"I may have, um... spilled some explosive powder in with the cake mix... But- But it's Hidan's fault for distracting me so much! If it weren't for him, none of this would have happened and you would have your cake, Danna!"

I am taking my time processing the blonde's ridiculous story, until I notice something off about him.

He is staring at the ground sullenly, fringe covering most of his flour-dusted face, though I can tell his bright, blue eyes are slightly glassy with unshed tears. His lower lip is continuously bitten and worried between perfectly white teeth, and I begin to grow fairly uneasy.

"What's wrong with you, Brat?" I try to ask this gently, but it comes out more stringent than anything.

Upon hearing my voice, those ice-blue eyes look up in my direction, tears finally spilling over in silent streams down his pretty face.

Sniffling pathetically, he chokes out, "I-I just wanted to g-give Danna a yummy ca-cake for his... for his b-birthday, uuunnn."

My heart clenches a bit in its cylindrical container, and I can feel my earlier frustration draining from me slowly. I sigh for the umpteenth time that day and, with a bit of hesitance, make my way over to the sniveling blond teen. I have almost no experience with handling emotions, let alone comforting someone, but my arms instinctively wrap themselves around the other artist's thin frame.

"D-Danna...?" Deidara pulls away just enough to glance up at me, eyes laced with confusion, though his tears eventually subside.

I offer what I hope is a comforting smile and cup his left, tear-stained cheek in my palm. "That was very thoughtful of you, Brat. I can honestly say that this is a birthday I will remember for the rest of my eternal life."

Confusion melts from his face and is instantly replaced by a luminous, adoring smile of his own. We enjoy a small moment of silence, simply looking into one another's eyes, discovering things in them we never knew before.

The sweet, serene moment is shattered without warning with an obnoxiously loud shout of,

"Dammit, Blondie, you fucker! Get my body out of the freezer and find Kakuzu already! Your Jashin-damned lovey-dovey shit is making me sick."

I cough, taking a small step back from the blond, and he giggles behind his hand. To my surprise, a chuckle escapes my lips as well.

What in the world has this boy done to me?

"Too bad for you, 'cause Kakuzu isn't gonna be back 'till tomorrow." Deidara grins evilly and then sticks out his tongue in a childish manner.

Internally, I face-palm. I must be out of my damned mind to fall for this idiot. Not to say that he isn't painfully attractive, and adorable sometimes without knowing it. He _is _a talented shinobi, and all things considered, he's never once left me hanging on the battlefield. Perhaps I wasn't _that _insane...

"Danna, un?"

I blink myself out of my reverie and notice that my hand is being held in a firm, yet gentle, grasp. Gorgeous blue eyes stare at me quizzically, and with a stirring of amusement I notice the light pink blush dusted across his smooth, feminine features.

With a predatory smirk, I lean close to whisper in his ear.

"You're a very dirty boy right now, Brat. Let's get you cleaned up..." I finish the seductive suggestion with a lick to his earlobe, earning a small gasp in return.

With that, I tug his hand and begin leading us in the direction of the nearest bathroom.

Deidara follows without question, blush now intensified tenfold.

…

…

"HEY! GET BACK HERE YOU HEATHEN BASTARDS! I CAN'T FEEL MY TOES ANYMORE!"

* * *

Fin.


End file.
